Compassionate Understanding of Pet Bereavement: Its Impact and Significance

The Society of Companion Animal Studies recently hosted a webinar on Pet Bereavement called Compassionate Understanding of Pet Bereavement: It’s Impact and Significance which I was able to catch up with this morning. The topic is one that is close to my heart both from a personal and professional perspective. Having experienced the loss of my husband in 2019 I am faced with the reality that at some point the pets we bought together will also pass away. This is but one example of the complexities associated with pet bereavement, and how there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to take with death (of a human or pet) and that each person’s emotions and feelings associated with loss are unique to them and should be respected and honoured.

Pets are part of the family and saying goodbye can be an extremely tough for many people. And this difficult time can be compounded by a lack of understanding with regards pet bereavement and what impact it can have on someone’s life. And people grieve the loss of their pets for a number of reasons and death is not the only one. Someone may have to give up their animal due to moving into sheltered accommodate, due to illness or injury, overseas work or divorce and separation. How the loss of a pet impacts someone is unique to them and equally valid. The loss of a pet might also be the catalyst for unexpressed grief, or be the final link to a loved one who has previously passed away. Well-meaning people can say some truly hurtful things such as ‘smile, it was only a cat’ without realising what that cat meant, what they represented and what their loss now represents in this persons life.

Grieving a pet can be similar to mourning the loss of a family member or friend, with some owners going on to experience intense isolation and deep depression or loneliness. These emotions are perfectly normal and though many of the people around you may not understand why you are feeling upset, rest assured that there are plenty of others who do ‘get it’ and understand completely the range of emotions you might be experiencing.

We grieve for our pets for a number of reasons, some of which include:

• Companionship – for many people that live alone their pet is their only companion and the quietness in the home following the loss can be deafening. There is also the lack of routine which is important to consider: many people structure their day and weekends around their pets and not having the ‘need’ to get up and care for someone can compound feelings of depression, anxiety or loneliness
• Connection – sometimes the pet is the last link to a loved one, partner or family member who has passed away and this can bring grief back up to the surface and make both losses harder to deal with (also called echo grief)
• Assistance – many pets are either official assistance animals, or simply fulfil this role to their owner by way of being an emotional ‘crux’ or emotional support. For those who have lost their assistance pet, this loss will be felt emotionally and physically – it can be life changing in many ways. For owners with anxiety or depression, the loss of their pet might exacerbate feelings of loneliness and worthlessness

Many of us share our lives with animals and to us these are not ‘just cats’ but family members – bringing us joy, fun, companionship and emotional support throughout challenging times in our lives. They also provide structure to our days, make us laugh and keep us social. The loss of a pet can feel overwhelming and trigger all sorts of painful emotions, these can be particularly intense if the pet had a special significance or played an important role (for instance, a support dog). As a society I believe that we do not realise how painful pet loss can be, and this may result in a heightened sense of isolation for many owners; with the impact of grief felt emotionally and physically.

Emotions which you might feel include:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Shock
• Denial/disbelief
• Guilt
• Relief
• Helplessness
• Longing
• Shame
• Remorse over the decision to euthanise your pet

Physical sensations which you might feel include:

• Headaches
• Nausea or sickness
• Anxiety
• Flashbacks
• Brain fog
• Sleep disturbance

Having to face the reality that your pet may not be with you for much longer can be really tough, but there are a couple of things which might help the process be a little less painful. A couple of ideas are noted below:

• Create a bucket list of all the things you would like to do with them while they are still alive. If your cat loves exploring but is too weak to do so, consider taking them out in a pet buggy so they can enjoy the tactile and mental stimulation they will get from feeling the wind on their fur, smelling new things and being with you
• If they still enjoy eating, consider giving lots of their favourite treats or the meals they love, some people like to even throw their pet a little party and have loved ones gather around to celebrate them and talk about good times
• Create a memory box and fill it with pictures, items or anything else which reminds you of them
• Commission a picture of them which you can hang up in your home

Because the grieving process is a highly individual experience, there is no ‘right’ way to grieve or ‘normal’ time in which you will feel better. For some people grief will come in stages, whereas for others it will be more akin to waves or a series of lows and highs over time. The process of grieving happens gradually and for some people they will feel ok after a few weeks or months, but for others it can take years. It’s important to be patient with yourself, or those you know who are experiencing grief, and allow the process to unfold organically and naturally. Reach out to others who have lost pets if those you know are not sympathetic or understanding, and also do not let anyone tell you how to feel – your grief is your own.

MY FOREVER PET
There’s something missing in my home, I feel it day and night. I know it will take time and strength before things feel quite right.

But just for now, I need to mourn, my heart– it needs to mend. Though some may say it’s “just a pet”, I know I’ve lost a friend.

You’ve brought such laughter to my home, and richness to my days, a constant friend through joy or loss, with gentle loving ways.

Companion, pal and confidante, a friend I won’t forget, you’ll live for always in my heart, my sweet forever pet.
– AUTHOR UNKNOWN